Yes I the impregnable actually said “yes” to someone. It may have been for only 24hrs but hey lets not nitpick. You may be wondering why the heck did it end so quickly. Well… because I let it. Well… I made it so. As soon as those words slipped from his mouth and into my heart “…I want to be exclusive with you…” I knew I was in trouble. Words that I could’ve sworn I wanted to hear so dearly just a second before. Then seeing those eyes on mine, that irresistible smile pushing my buttons persistently and I wanted to RUN. Hit the hills and put my hermit cape on turning my back on the world till rapture swept me up. Instead of being swept off my feet by Mr.Could-it-be-Right? I felt a ton of bricks bury me to the ground. “Exclusive…” phew. It just didn’t feel right. Then maybe after hearing what I’d wanted to hear I didn’t want it anymore? Like getting a brand new shiny toy you’d pinned for and realizing it wasn’t all that your expectations had built it up to be. It could be I was all about winning the goal. I got it in! “gooaaaal” now lets shake hands and go home. Ciao
Then there was the other part. I’m greedy when it comes to people’s affections. I want all or nothing. When it comes to men especially you’re either ALL MINE or not at all. That feeling of complete ownership wasn’t there. That stake in the ground that allows you to smack their bum like its yours, wear their shirts because darn-it you bloody can, have chics give a wide berth because your piss mark is so strong. Yes this may seem like a man’s possessive nature but women are much worse. We may hide it behind a demure smile and carefully applied blush but don’t miss the glint of teeth in that slight smile. I’m not talking of the psychotic crazy “I-think-I’m-that-insane-Blonde-from-Obsessed” but yes I am Beyonce in that movie and sharing isn’t an option. So even though he said “exclusive” I heard “exclusive till…”(insert tiny hard to read disclaimer here). Hmmph now I don’t believe in layaway. I’ve never done it. I never will. Either I have the money now or I wont buy it. This also applies to my person. I am not a layaway product. You cant put me on the shelf or on hold till your ready to completely buy in and paying in installments isn’t an option for the Joy model. You get me now lock stock and barrel and paid in full. Ghana-must-go bag in hand or whatever way your comfortable bringing the full payment. I’m too old to start playing games and I’m not in the mood to play the guessing game with my affections nor to play around in a relationship.
Women if they’ve experienced it before know how it feels to be adored by a man. You become the center of their universe and the sight of you lights up their day. The feeling is encompassing and hard to miss. So when its not there you cant pretend it is. Putting together scraps of “like”, a smile here and there, pieces of his time and attention, a warm but hurried embrace, is not going to mimic it no matter how much you stitch it together hoping to get a similar feeling. What you have is a patchwork, a macabre of what you once felt. This is a formula for a boatload of hurt. I deserve more than that. Which is why 24hrs into the second to closest thing I’ve had to a relationship in my life… I said no.