The world has been bringing me down.
It was unexpected since I’d been riding on a cloud of affirmation from God. I’d stopped looking to man for self confirmation but some how this resolve weakened recently. I’ve learned that Christianity is a constant battle. A battle between you and sin, between you and the world, between you and yourself. Even though a couple of weeks ago I felt great. I felt completely encased in His presence, in His embrace. Now I’m looking at the gaping holes in my spiritual house and wondering what the heck happened. It was so bad that during service today, I had to go outside and take a walk. I just wanted to understand what was going on. The weight of my emotions though oppressing inside the sanctuary was easier to bear in the light of the sun, the expanse of the sky and freedom of air flowing around me. There exposed to all the elements I turned inward. Still not understanding how to fix the problem, I stopped trying. I looked up to where my help comes from and asked God to help fix me. He is my ultimate doctor. As I prayed for Him to inspect my heart and reveal to me where I have been wrong and turned away from him, I slowly awoke to what I had been sleeping on. Since my friend passed I’d been using emotional blocking to cope. Unfortunately, I blocked most of my emotions including those that helped me feel euphoria spiritually. Even when I accepted her passing and worked to look to the future, I’d left myself emotionally blocked. I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy. I was just ok… just neutral. I’d become tepid in countenance, in reaction, in living. This way of living sapped my spirit day by day. Something I’d been working so hard to build up, was weakened by Lukewarmness. In this state the criticisms of people around me started to get to me. A general feeling of inadequateness pervaded my thoughts. As I prayed outside today I realized that my sight had shifted from God to the world for a couple of weeks now. Instead of focusing on how God saw me, on his plans for me, on honoring him with my life, I focused on how the world saw me. How they desired things from me that did not align with the calling I’d been given, how they desired things from me that I had no desire to give them.
I prayed to God to help me get back on track. Meandering around emotionally stunted and dwelling in the flesh is not where he wants nor needs me to be. It amazed me that just one incident among many smaller incidents had put me off course so much. Why is it that we can miss one day of work and still be in-sync with our profession. However we can miss one day of communing with God and can fall down a progressive hill of spiritual detachment. I said earlier that Christianity is a constant battle. If we don’t fight against the creeping fingers of the enemy, which can sometimes be ourselves, we are pulled away from the Lord and can end up meandering around like spiritual orphans.
I let the world bring me down. I can let God bring me up.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 3:6 ESV