I’ve come to the acceptance that I may never love a man the way I would’ve at my fresh-faced early 20s. Then a lack of experience and a doe eyed countenance made me susceptible to too many fantasies. A few years ago I passed through a painful relationship that left me feeling lacking in so many ways. My sense of self seemed to have hid away somewhere deep inside huddled and alone, covered in festering wounds. Never did the thought of warming up again to someone else even seem possible. Then the unexpected happened and I fell and clichéd-ly tripped into a chasm… I wish to put no names to. Though a close and wishful cousin of mines would call it love. All I’m willing to agree to is that I was pulled inexplicably into an emotional roller coaster. In the end, as usual I was left picking up the pieces of a heart I never knew had so much left in it.
Last night as I joined a girlfriend at a mutual friend’s house party, all these thoughts came to me. Our mutual friend, an old college mate of mine, looked at me with overly warm affection in his eyes. Affection that I’d known existed many years ago in Uni but had ignored for strictly academic pursuits. Now a desire to focus on academia was no longer what blocked his attentions. I looked back at him acknowledging his feelings yet sorry for them. Distantly I knew I found him attractive in the age old way women find strong masculine lines and broad shoulders comforting and right. However, once again his timing was wrong. Now there was not even a shard of emotional potential left. I’d thrown even the dust from the broken shards away. In spite of this, I smiled gently and returned his hugs happily. Having no desire for more but genuinely happy to see an old colleague. With light steps I joined my girlfriend on the dance floor and swayed and jived till we were all laughs and brighter thoughts sparkled the darker ones away.