My friend died yesterday.
This is the first time someone this close to me has passed. I discovered that doubts, worries, and fear are not the only things that can mess up your frequency with the Holy Spirit. Grief will as well. Its like having cotton balls stuffed in every orifice so you feel suffocated by grief. Even your eyes become sore and tired. You go to sleep (if you can sleep) to grief and wake-up to it waiting there to remind you. She’s dead.
I googled “handling grief.” Google highlighted:
- Face your feelings. …
- Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. …
- Look after your physical health. …
- Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. …
- Plan ahead for grief “triggers.”
Number one has been especially difficult. Number two is what I am doing right now. The rest… I will figure out. I almost did not make a post today. However I know once you get off the wagon it’s hard to get back on. Writing is therapeutic for me. So bear with me if this post is not that clear nor insightful.
Of all the things that can block you from God, grief feels like the most powerful. Its not a feeling of losing faith. Its more like when you get physically hurt and the pain overshadows everything else. I tried to pray yesterday and my prayers stuck in my throat. I couldn’t even think what to say. I just wanted to wallow and praying required being hopeful. Maybe that’s not the right way to say it. It required more energy than I had or was able to direct mentally. Yes, shame on me. After failing, I got up and went to where my family was praying so I could be enveloped by prayers, even as a third party.
This morning did not bring new energy or self-motivation. However God is ever faithful. Today’s verse of the day on my bible app, I felt was especially for me.
Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 (NLT)
The first time I read it, I was on auto pilot and didn’t really let it sink in. However, I would come back to it through-out the day. By the third time of reading it, I could finally smile a little. I closed my eyes and said, inside me, God I just need a little time. A little time to be selfish and wallow, to grieve and not think everything is sunshine, just a little time to dig out of what I was feeling. I gave myself a day to be internal. I didn’t make it therapeutic. I didn’t focus on how I felt nor did I try to dig up memories. That is going to be a longer process that wont just be “a little time.” However I was able to shut out most of the outside noise. Now the day is almost up and there is no extension. It’s for the best. Tomorrow morning, I lead bible study. A God-send really. You cant be in a position like that and wallow, nor be selfish. It requires you opening up to God in a selfless way to be used and to minister his word. As you minister you cannot help but be healed and touched as well. Thats a wonderful benefit of being involved in ministry/the church it makes it really difficult to avoid God. Your involvement will have you touched by Him on a regular basis. During this time, I need that more than ever.